The "What If...?" Game
Every guy's least favorite game... Because 1) there is no way to win, 2) we have no idea when it's over (there's no game clock) and 3) sooner or later, we will give a wrong answer. This is typically the only way the game ends.
It all started not innocently enough...
We love our neighborhood. We have no problems with any of our neighbors. We're not buddy-buddy with many of them, but we are at least cordial/social with all of them. There is, however, one butthole in the neighborhood -- Doug (maybe it's the name, because every Doug I know is a jerk).
Thankfully for us, Doug lives around the block and down the street. We are unaffected in a direct manner by Doug. We do, however, get to hear about Doug, because often those directly affected will call Traci to see what they should do. People know she is a lawyer, and either did at the time, or (now) used to work at the DA's office. The answer is always the same -- call the police and file a complaint.
Several months ago, Doug threatened to shove a wiffle ball bat up a 12 year-old's a-s because the the 12 year-old hit a wiffle ball into Doug's yard. We believe the 12 year-old did nothing else wrong, because among other things, Doug admitted it to the police when the time came.
Last night, while walking his dog in front of another house that has a dog, that said dog came running out into the street barking at Doug and his dog. Keyser, the dog in question, is 11 years-old and all of 15 pounds when wet -- it's a small poodle type dog. Turns out the family who lives at this home is trying to get Keyser used to the invisible fence. Keyser was able to slip out the door without his collar, but with the female owner right behind him.
Admittedly, Keyser has done the exact same thing to me while walking Bailey -- though this was some time ago, and before the invisible fence. I just put myself between Bailey and Keyser, and held Keyser at bay until the woman -- apoligizing profusely -- got there. No big deal. I'm not a fan of Keyser, but he's 15 pounds... he's not going to hurt you.
Doug took a different tack. He kicked Keyser; hard from what the witnesses say. When the owner got there, remember she was right behind Keyser, Doug proceded to tell her that he was "going home to get his gun." He was then going to "shoot your f--king dog, and then you, you f--king c-nt!"
This all happened about the same time that people arrive home from work, so there were a handful of people who were either just getting home, or who had come out because of hearing the screaming. A small handful of people witnessed the entire thing from beginning to end. These people confronted Doug and said he should go home. We then got the call from Jen who got the call from Amy (Keyser's owner) because it was Jen's 12 year-old who Doug had threatened with a wiffle ball bat.
Every call began and ended with "Call the police." Traci's happy to talk to the people and explain best/worst case scenarios, but in the end, calling the police on this type of behavior (especially in light of past incidents) should not be a questioin.
After the calls, and after the dinner, my game began.
"What would you have done if Doug kicked Bailey?" Legit question.
"What would you do if he hit me?" Here we go...
"What would you do if someone threatened me?" I skipped some of the questions, and this might not have even been the last one, but I ended the game by saying:
"I would beat the crap out of that person. Then I would track down his father, and beat the crap out of him. Then I would beat the crap out of any of his sons. Then the male cousins. Followed by male second-cousins, then third cousins. I would leave those who are related via the whole twice-removed thing alone. Mostly, because I honestly don't understand that twice-removed thing, and how close can somebody really be, if the word "removed" is part of the legal description of your relationship, let alone twice removed."
"Well, now your just saying things." No kidding.
I explained that sooner or later, I would mis-step and she'd get mad. I then proceded to head off the "No I wouldn't" comment, by pointing out that in the past, she's woken up mad at me for something I did in her dreams.
Thanks Doug.
It all started not innocently enough...
We love our neighborhood. We have no problems with any of our neighbors. We're not buddy-buddy with many of them, but we are at least cordial/social with all of them. There is, however, one butthole in the neighborhood -- Doug (maybe it's the name, because every Doug I know is a jerk).
Thankfully for us, Doug lives around the block and down the street. We are unaffected in a direct manner by Doug. We do, however, get to hear about Doug, because often those directly affected will call Traci to see what they should do. People know she is a lawyer, and either did at the time, or (now) used to work at the DA's office. The answer is always the same -- call the police and file a complaint.
Several months ago, Doug threatened to shove a wiffle ball bat up a 12 year-old's a-s because the the 12 year-old hit a wiffle ball into Doug's yard. We believe the 12 year-old did nothing else wrong, because among other things, Doug admitted it to the police when the time came.
Last night, while walking his dog in front of another house that has a dog, that said dog came running out into the street barking at Doug and his dog. Keyser, the dog in question, is 11 years-old and all of 15 pounds when wet -- it's a small poodle type dog. Turns out the family who lives at this home is trying to get Keyser used to the invisible fence. Keyser was able to slip out the door without his collar, but with the female owner right behind him.
Admittedly, Keyser has done the exact same thing to me while walking Bailey -- though this was some time ago, and before the invisible fence. I just put myself between Bailey and Keyser, and held Keyser at bay until the woman -- apoligizing profusely -- got there. No big deal. I'm not a fan of Keyser, but he's 15 pounds... he's not going to hurt you.
Doug took a different tack. He kicked Keyser; hard from what the witnesses say. When the owner got there, remember she was right behind Keyser, Doug proceded to tell her that he was "going home to get his gun." He was then going to "shoot your f--king dog, and then you, you f--king c-nt!"
This all happened about the same time that people arrive home from work, so there were a handful of people who were either just getting home, or who had come out because of hearing the screaming. A small handful of people witnessed the entire thing from beginning to end. These people confronted Doug and said he should go home. We then got the call from Jen who got the call from Amy (Keyser's owner) because it was Jen's 12 year-old who Doug had threatened with a wiffle ball bat.
Every call began and ended with "Call the police." Traci's happy to talk to the people and explain best/worst case scenarios, but in the end, calling the police on this type of behavior (especially in light of past incidents) should not be a questioin.
After the calls, and after the dinner, my game began.
"What would you have done if Doug kicked Bailey?" Legit question.
"What would you do if he hit me?" Here we go...
"What would you do if someone threatened me?" I skipped some of the questions, and this might not have even been the last one, but I ended the game by saying:
"I would beat the crap out of that person. Then I would track down his father, and beat the crap out of him. Then I would beat the crap out of any of his sons. Then the male cousins. Followed by male second-cousins, then third cousins. I would leave those who are related via the whole twice-removed thing alone. Mostly, because I honestly don't understand that twice-removed thing, and how close can somebody really be, if the word "removed" is part of the legal description of your relationship, let alone twice removed."
"Well, now your just saying things." No kidding.
I explained that sooner or later, I would mis-step and she'd get mad. I then proceded to head off the "No I wouldn't" comment, by pointing out that in the past, she's woken up mad at me for something I did in her dreams.
Thanks Doug.
Labels: games, neighborhood
posted by Rich B | 10:24 AM
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